So the first stages of the moving process begin.  The realtor came by to look at the house and we are starting to box things up.  I was able to get a few storage towers for some things in my room.  Thinking of getting a storage facility until we're all moved out.  This is going to be a stressful and interesting process.  I still haven't visited any prospective apts yet, but I've been looking online or when I drive by certain neighborhoods.  Also pondering whether I should live in another city or country during my off season times.  Quite a few options.  Well we shall see what are the most strongest possibilities.  

I'm trying to save money to go to Asia also and save money for a cat or puppy.  

Hmmm.

Hmmm.

I am contemplating on getting a new phone this year.  I saw one of my friend's phone, the Samsung Galaxy II-S: it was so pretty!  I wanted to eat it or keep it in my hand!  Oh it made me want one!  But I have also been studying up on the Nokia E7, N9, and new Lumia 800 (900).  I like the fact that the E7 has touchscreen & full QWERTY slide-out.  I also like the fact that Nokia has turn-by-turn voice navigation which you can use offline in case there are no data connections or you get cut off.  I also like the fact that you can accidentally drop the phones and they still are intact and work.  

I like the newer design of the Lumia 800 but it doesn't have the slide-out QWERTY.  I don't like relying on one way of navigating the phone.  I like the feel of a keyboard. But the Lumia has a much more sleeker design and the User interface doesn't look as dated and isn't as cluttered as the E7 and N9.  Nokia has always built sturdy handsets with good sound.  

Nokia's operating system has been symbian but with their newer phones like the Lumia's, those are now a Windows operating system.  The more recent Symbian OS has upgrades to symbian anna & symbian belle, but I'm wondering how long symbian will be maintained.  But then again, within two or three years, it may be time for a new phone.

Hmmmmm... which one, which one!?

* Edit: symbian anna --> symbian belle ---> nokia belle.  Accenture will continue developing and maintaining symbian OS until 2016.  It is 2012.  Hmmm I would eventually get a new phone by then.  The E7's craftsmanship and heft is substantial, not cheap and shoddy.  That should last for four years, like my Nokia 6610 lasted me six years after dropping it many times and it wasn't even made out of aluminum like the E7.   But then I read that the Nokia Lumia is doing well with the Windows OS.  But the Lumia doesnt have as many features as the slightly older E7.   I can tell I'm already leaning towards the E7.  

A few months ago, I had seriously contemplated quitting kendo.  My heart wasn't in it, it seemed and I was tired of the physical pain that often accompanied the sparring and tournament practices.  I also felt I had no more energy to exert with my mind and body to strategically strike anyone.  I was feeling pretty overwhelmed with things I had to do next in this stage of life.  I was telling alot of people I was probably not going back to kendo.

But then one of my friends offered to sell me a set of kendo equipment I was thinking of buying.  Initially I wanted to buy the equipment custom colors from a Canada-based kendo company.  But my friend had the equipment here and now and the colors were still pretty although not the exact colors I wanted, but still beautiful.  The quality is still good and it was barely used.  He offered me discount a few hundreds dollars off which was a deal.  Otherwise I would have had months to save $400-$500 dollars and wait three more months to order and receive the brand new custom set.  My mind started to change as I tried the bogu on for fit.  It fit nearly perfectly.  The men (helmet) was just a little loose but I could add more padding.  So I am constructing new padding out of silk so the dye and the scratchy padding on the helmet doesn't touch my skin.  As I was wearing the bogu, I thought of all the skills I had learned in kendo, the physical techniques but also the mental techniques which I also used outside the dojo.  Why am I quitting it when it taught me so much?  Why am I quitting it when I still have much to learn? Why am I quitting it when it builds me up?  Am I quitting because it is easy not to show up to practices?  Am I quitting because I'm bored?  Am I quitting because I am lazy?  I have so much still to learn from this.  Even more so now, because I no longer have so much anger (which can lead to false sense of strength and power), I can learn more thoroughly.  Why am I throwing away my current knowledge?  I can't do it.  I have to continue.  I have to improve.  There was a reason why I first started, and there was a reason why I kept coming back after all those years.  And the reason is always the same.  It's deep.  It's spiritual.  There was a connection from the old me to the new me.  I was ever changing from the first time I started kendo in 2002, to now 2012.  Even when I wasn't practicing, the connection was still there.  The yearning to master my physical techniques.  The yearning to master my unsteady temper and moods.  The yearning to master spiritual strength and doubt.  the yearning to master my self-strength and self doubts. That was my connection to kendo.  That IS my connection to kendo.  My body grows old, but my spirit does not.    And that is why I have to remain connected to kendo.  

It's not about the tournaments.  It's about mastery.  

And when I master those techniques, strengths, and doubts, that's when it shows on the dojo floor.  At home, or at the tournaments... wherever I am.

I first set eyes on them late summer last year.  They were so smooth.  Had such a smooth and graceful strength about them.

... with my new desk and desk chair!  It was on clearance at Orchard Supply Hardware.  It was almost two-hundred dollars when I first saw the set last year.  I saw it again for $125 last week.  Then I found out it was the last one, the display.  Oh my gosh!  Oh my gosh!  I must have it!  It matches my armoire in my bedroom.  When I move, I will need a place to sit and sew!  It will be perfect.  So I got it!  My friend and I went to pick it up on Tuesday.  

And then over the holiday, I had the pleasure of keeping some company with some beautiful peonies.  I've always held back because they can be a quite expensive set of cut flowers.  But this time, I had the extra money to splurge on them.  They were so beautiful.  Very pink and white and double petaled.  They looked like pom-poms in full bloom.  I can't wait when my peony plant blooms in summer again.  

I'm in love with my new life.  Recently I have had my third individual therapy dealing with post traumatic stress.  The senior therapist pulled out some ugly dark memories that I had tried to push down for a long time.  Years ago, in 1996, I had been violated by a male Dr after one of my surgeries, and humiliated by another male Dr during a check-up.  When we (the therapist & I) dealt with that and some other traumatic memories, I'd never felt so free.  I'd never felt as light and happy since before all that crap happened.  I can be so excited about giving a gift to someone, about seeing a flower, about writing a letter, about seeing a gorgeous desk and purchasing it, about being hopeful about moving and getting a bigger space.  Even about seeing my mother and anticipating how to deal with her.  All the things I used to enjoy before tragedy kept striking.  I'm excited whenever I finish altering a pair of pants or playing a duet with my cello teacher.  I love the feelings I feel now.  I love the color pink again, and just color in general!  I'm excited about creating again.  I'm looking forward to painting and drawing again.  I'm excited about the thought about getting a cat or a whippet dog of my own.

I'm so in love with this.  This "new" life.